Painting: Detail of “Blond” by Amedeo Modigliani.
PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A DUMB BLONDE
By Sharon Fogarty
© 2007
A one-act musical comedy, 1 hour 18 minutes long.
Set: Furniture is movable to play a few different scenes. A small bed, a coffee table and a swivel chair on wheels are present. Downstage sits a telephone and a vase of daisies.
Cast of Characters
• Nora, a middle-aged former artist, bleached blonde. Intelligent but unwise in her decision to give up art.
• Prince Charming, British, a narcissist, superficial, arrogant
• Boredom, man, an exacting personage who specializes in creating steady ennui. Perhaps tone deaf with a glottal tick. doubles as the Father, a slow motion bleary eyed alcoholic
• Obsession, a personified quality who visits Nora during times of fret and regret. Doubles briefly as Panic and Memory, kindness incarnate, oozes sympathy, a guardian to the other qualities.
• Acceptance, a pragmatic woman
• Mother, creepy, manipulative, monstrously needy, an amputee indicated by a black glove over her left arm
• Therapist, good witch type, positive to the point of denial, doubles as Sister
• Pain, handsome troublemaker, another quality to torture Nora
• Sorrow, upbeat and smiling, makes grieving all the more tedious
Q1: PRESET
Q2: BLACKOUT (BLUISH) When show begins.
Scene 1. Begins in darkness as actors get into place.
SFX1: 1INTRO
VOICEOVER (NORA)
After decades of producing small time, off-off broadway theatre, something inside me snapped. Art was too expensive. To express myself in the most basic way played havoc with my health and caused me to go into deep debt. I became ill, was hospitalized twice and became disconnected from all my friends and family members. In short, I was dying. So I stopped. Simply gave it up. No dancing, no singing, no acting. No theatre.
I was never any good at selling myself. I was never competitive enough nor could I manage the constant hustling necessary to be an artist. I had no health insurance and seemed to owe money to every acquaintance I had. So, I became a permanent secretary and slowly allowed all my expression to die. The word, Normal comes from the Latin normalis meaning “according to the square.” And square I was. I became corporate with a capital K. I became numb. And in an attempt to get as far away from my dark artistic roots, I even bleached my hair.
Q3: DAYLIGHT
Lights come up, timed with Nora’s slow swivel to face front, revealing her blonde self. She is surrounded by the Chorus who, over the following, quickly hand Nora the items listed in the activities mentioned below.
VOICEOVER, CONT’D
I paid my bills on time, ate three meals a day, exercised regularly. I had health insurance so now could afford a most decent anti-depressant. I visited at least one doctor per week, not because anything was wrong, just because now, I could afford to keep everything in check and make sure that everything was, indeed, normal.
Except that one day, after years of letting my artistic talent fade back into the recesses of my brain, like so much cellulite molded into an ergonomic chair, a man entered my life.
You see, just as never allowed myself to even think about art, I similarly refused to think about love.
Slowly, Prince Charming enters and approaches Nora.
I had learned over the years that love was an illusion, a blind spot on the soul, a blemish on the veil of truth, a false mirror in the compact of some fairy tale princess, a parody of life’s damnable essence, a retired figment in the lap of an aging gigolo, a…
END SFX 1.
Charming has come nearer to her, he kneels, and reveals a glass slipper. While trying to avoid him, Nora’s leg crosses to him, offering him her foot. Prince Charming puts the glass slipper on her foot. Chorus stands exceedingly attentive.
CHARMING
Nora, will you marry me?
Q4: BRIGHTER DAYLIGHT
CHORUS (sing)
Revelation, revelation look at me
Revelation, I was blind but now I see
Revelation, like a river to the sea
Revelation, revelation look at me.
Nora stares at the slipper on her foot. It shakes.
Inspiration, straight from Jesus down to me
Inspiration, inspiration, I am free
Sweet creation, every bird and every bee
Inspiration, inspiration set me free.
SOLO:
I was once a pilgrim, a follower of the Lord
Following advice I was eternally bored, but
Now that I’m inspired I see I’m only blocked by me,
Revelation, revelation set me free.
ALL(sing)
Revelation, revelation look at me
Revelation, I was blind but now I see
Revelation, like a river to the sea
Revelation, revelation look at me.
Music continues over the following.
SFX: 2PAGE004
VOICEOVER
He was a miracle. He was a prince. A real prince and he wanted to marry me of all people in the world.
END SFX 2
NORA
What?
CHARMING
I said, will you marry me. Please.
NORA
But, you’re a Prince.
CHARMING
I’d give it all up for you. I’ll leave my kingdom behind and live with you in New York.
Nora sings “To Be Your Wife.” Chorus freezes except for interactions, i.e. “Revelation.”
Q4. SUNSET, PINK
NORA (sings):
You want to come to New York to live the rest of your life
So I lie about the winters here and how I’d like to be your wife
To be your wife, is more than I’d ever dreamed
In my life, this happens to kings and queens
As your woman, you would see, I’d please you endlessly.
CHORUS
Revelation…
CHARMING (sings)
You’re sweet to act nonchalant, like this happens to you every day
You’re fighting insecurity ‘cause you’re desperately hoping I’ll stay
BOTH NORA/CHARMING
Hoping I’ll/you’ll stay, and go with me everywhere
That I’ll/you’ll stay, in spite of this polluted air
That I’ll/you’ll stay here in the Big Apple, with my/four two cats and me.
CHORUS
Inspiration…
NORA
(Bridge with Chorus below)
Everything I have is yours
Like shopping in a thousand stores and
Everything God gave to me
Is here to fill your fantasy
Everything you give to me
Is more than I can ever see
I’m happy as a Christmas tree
Let’s stay together you and me
Q5. BRIGHTER
CHARMING and NORA
You and I…
ALL
Revelation, revelation look at me
Revelation, I was blind but now I see
Revelation, like a river to the sea
Revelation, revelation look at me.
NORA
I’m changing somehow inside
I can’t think of a thing that I need
Yes, I’m happy to be your bride
Just as sure, just as sure as I bleed.
CHORUS
Sweet creation…
Charming starts to exit with the chorus.
NORA
(Ending)
To be your wife
Is more than I’d ever dreamed
In my life, this happens to Kings and Queens
As your woman, you would see
I’d please you endlessly.
Music continues. Chorus boogies over the following VO while Prince and Nora waltz.
Q6. EVENING/BLUE
SFX 3: 3PAGE005
VOICEOVER
I had met the most wonderful being in the entire world. I was truly, madly, deeply in love. Sexually, emotionally, spiritually. This was an amazing gift and about as rare as seeing Haley’s comet, a bald eagle, a four-leaf clover, a rainbow and Dick Cheney doing a square dance all in the same day. This supernaturally romantic event seemed to melt away all previous hardships and disappointments. I was living a happily ever after.
END SFX 3
Song ends as Charming is exiting with the Chorus.
NORA
Prince Charming, where are you going?
CHARMING
Nora, I need to go into the enchanted forest for a few months.
NORA
A few months? That’s going to feel like forever.
CHARMING
If you want us to stay together, I must go away. I need to recharge my royalty.
NORA
What?
CHARMING
A few months is nothing.
NORA
I’ll miss you.
CHARMING
I know.
Charming exits.
Scene 2. Nora stumbles to sit by the phone downstage, removes her shoes.
SFX 4: 4PAGE006
VOICEOVER
Immediately I thought, he’ll be back. Of course. He’s just a little confused. He just needs some time. Maybe he even needs to see other people. After all, I’m the first non-royalty he’s ever gone out with. I’m his first real marriage. That’s it. He’s confused.
Q6. LATER EVENING/PURPLE
Nora plucks the petals of one of the daisies as Obsession enters with a slow creeping waddle. Nora freezes as she senses Obsession’s presence. Chorus escorts Obsession to Nora.
VOICEOVER
I felt a presence. A whirlwind of disturbance like an oddly paranoid fixation causing a mania in my brain that could only be described as (looks at Obsession)…
NORA & VOICEOVER
Obsession.
END SFX 4 4
OBSESSION
Hello.
Nora continues, plucks.
NORA
He loves me. He loves me…
OBSESSION
Not.
NORA
He loves me.
OBSESSION
Not.
NORA
He…
OBSESSION
Not.
NORA
Loves…
OBSESSION
Not.
NORA
Me…
OBSESSION
Not.
NORA
Not?
OBSESSION
Not.
Obsession sings, “Maybe When He Left.”
Q7. BRIGHTER PURPLE
OBSESSION
(Sings MAYBE WHEN HE LEFT)
Maybe when he left he tried to drive a car and he’s not used to driving on the right side of the road…
Maybe when he left he fell asleep and drove into the Hudson River, that has happened I’ve been told,
NORA (joins)
Maybe when he left a gargoyle fell out of the sky and hit him on the head, and now he has amnesia
Maybe when he left some Christian scientists recruited him, he’s selling bibles down in Indonesia.
NORA (Sings)
No, he’d remember me, he holds our apartment key
And a wallet with his insurance, green card, visa thing, whatever you call it.
OBSESSION
(Speaks calmly)
Okay. Okay. Okay. (Pause)
(Sings)
Maybe when he left he saw someone with longer legs and bigger boobs, he went to bed with her you see…
Maybe when he left he met someone with more money, who didn’t have to be a secretary…
(Nora joins) Maybe when he left he fell in love with someone stronger, smarter, speaks French and wears sexy lingerie
Maybe everything he said he didn’t mean at all the day he said them on your/my precious wedding day.
NORA
(Sings) No, he’d remember we, made a vow forever he
Said he’d stay with, he wouldn’t marry me then be done away with.
OBSESSION
Okay. Okay. Okay. (Pause)
(Together, in a round)
Maybe when he left he made a bomb joke at the airport, now he’s being questioned by the F.B.I.
Maybe when he left somebody followed him and stole his kidneys so that they could make a kidney pie.
Maybe when he left, he left for-ever, left for real he left me/you very all alone, he left for good.
Maybe when he left it was because I’m ugly, fat and stupid knowing this he thought he probably should.
NORA
(Slowly) Yes. He abandoned me for no reason but that he wants me dead now,
He’s found someone else and he’s with her instead now.
NORA
Okay.
OBSESSION
Okay?
NORA
Okay.
OBSESSION
Okay?
NORA
Okay.
Together:
Maybe when he left he left for good.
Song ends. Obsession vanishes.
Q8. DAYLIGHT
Scene 3.
Charming enters.
NORA
You’re here!
She runs into his arms.
CHARMING
Darling, who are you talking to? You’re all sweaty.
NORA
Sorry, I was just having an anxiety dream.
CHARMING
Oh, my poor precious.
NORA
Where were you? Why didn’t you call? I was afraid you had an accident. Where’s your wedding ring?
CHARMING
Oh, I don’t like to wear it.
NORA
Darling, I want you to wear it.
CHARMING
Look, I don’t wish to talk about jewelry. I despise jewelry. I need to focus on my career.
NORA
Your career? But, you’re a prince. What kind of job skills do you have?
CHARMING
(proudly)
Absolutely none.
NORA
Okay, well, what would you like to be?
CHARMING
I want to be famous.
NORA
Oh. Okay. Famous for what?
CHARMING
Oh. I don’t know. Being beautiful I suppose. Being able to, you know, stand up straight and speak beautifully. That kind of thing.
NORA
Great! I mean. Okay. That is a talent. There’s plenty of work in…
CHARMING
Modeling.
NORA
Yes, modeling. That’s right.
CHARMING
I mean, forgive me, but I… know… clothes… I mean I feel that a shirt makes the man and that no matter what the fuck I say when I walk into an interview…
NORA
Or an audition.
CHARMING
Whatever the fuck you call it, I’ll walk in and it will be bam, I mean bam because they will say that for whatever it’s worth, this chap has paid 400 pounds to wear this shirt to come to this interview.
NORA
So talent has nothing to do with it?
CHARMING
What? Who?
NORA
Talent. I said, so talent has nothing to do with it?
CHARMING
Ballocks! Not a thing. What you need is clothes.
NORA
Okay. But what if the person hiring you came from poverty and isn’t into clothes, or doesn’t know anything about clothes and…
CHARMING
They wouldn’t be in that position.
NORA
Maybe. But, this is America. A poor person can rise to become the president of the United…
CHARMING
What do we have to eat?
NORA
I’ll go make a snack.
Nora exits, bowing accidentally.
Q9. DARKER, ADD RED
CHARMING
(to himself) How utterly boring. I could slit my wrists. I can’t stand another minute with her. Everything is so… banal… I thought she’d never leave. She just doesn’t get the point of what I need to do with my life. And she’s just wrong, wrong about everything. We have nothing in common. What a fishwife I’ve ended up with. Must find a way, must find a way… Dear God, please help me…
Nora enters.
NORA
Should I make a snack or a whole dinner…?
CHARMING
(bellows)
Nora please! Can you leave me alone just for a minute! I am practicing my religion!
NORA
I’m… sorry…
Nora exits.
Q10. BRIGHTER, HOTTER
(sings, tango feel)
Dear God, help me dump her
Help me drop her, how I’d like to stomach pump her
Dear God, help me leave her
I can’t stand her she’s become my new pet peeve
Her decisions are so plain
And her moods I find insane
How I rue the day that we first met
Too much wine or too much beer
Made me marry her I fear
I was blinded by my needs and yet…
Dear God, help me lose her
Help me find a way to utterly refuse her
Dear God, how I hate this
I was weak, oh let me speak, please don’t debate this
How I loathe her hairy legs
Her complexion fairly begs
She’s a cretin and crass one too
How I hate the way she eats
Smacks her lips against her teeth
An affair with someone else is due!
Q11. BRIGHTER STILL
I’m sure that you will not blame
My temporary path to the insane
I should know much better since
After all I’m a charming prince
And she does not deserve my good name…
Dear God, give me a reason
Someway to end this odd tormenting ugly season
Dear God, give me a doorway
Like being gay or just been crowned the Prince of Norway
Anything to help me hide
Naturally she’ll suicide
As she’s fragile and self loathing too
Hopefully she’ll find some bloke
Or she’ll simply start to smoke
And she’ll end herself and end us too.
Dear God, help me drop her
She’s a drag and like a poop I’d like to plop her
Dear God, can’t we kill her?
If I had a chemistry set I would distill her
Maybe somehow you’ll cajole her
To fall down in a hole her
Insurance may indeed be nice
Maybe somehow you’ll convince
She does not deserve a prince
Tell me God I need some good advice!
God won’t you please find a way
To help this young prince go astray
I would give up my toupee
Please end, end this marriage today!
Q12.DAYLIGHT
Nora enters, carrying a plate of food.
NORA
It’s just a little snack, but I don’t know if you like this kind of sauce. It tastes kind of beefy but there’s no meat in it and…
CHARMING
Right, um, yes. Well. I really can’t stay.
NORA
What? Okay. Okay. I’ll just put it away until later. When will you be back?
CHARMING
Look, this isn’t working.
NORA
What? What are you saying?
CHARMING
You know that we took a chance by getting married and, well, it’s been 15 months and it’s not for me.
NORA
What? You can’t just leave. You can’t just abandon your wife. Tell me what I’ve done wrong! Tell me the truth, please.
CHARMING
Look, you’re just going to get upset and you’ve been wonderful. Really wonderful. I’m sorry but I just… I am gone, my dear.
NORA
Charming? Please… what did I do wrong?
Charming exits. Nora sits by the phone.
Q13. MIDNIGHT BLUE
SFX 5: 5PAGE012
VOICEOVER
I waited by the phone. He’ll be back. He’ll be back. He’s just confused. He’s just panicking about his lifestyle. It’s traumatic trying to make a go of it in New York, especially if you’ve walked right out of a fairy tale.
(SFX Door bell.)
END SFX 5
NORA
That’s him… That’s him… Come in!!!
Scene 4. Acceptance enters and is almost hugged by Nora.
NORA
Oh, hello. Can I help you?
ACCEPTANCE
He’s gone.
NORA
Shut up. What are you, some Angel of Acceptance?
ACCEPTANCE
Yes. I’m sorry. We did everything that we could.
NORA
Get out. He is coming back. He just needs some time to sort things out. He loves me.
ACCEPTANCE
No, dear, he only loves himself. He’s incapable of loving another person.
NORA
But I’m nice.
ACCEPTANCE
Yes, yes, you are.
NORA
I did everything for him. Every second of my day was devoted to making him happy.
ACCEPTANCE
I know. That never works, does it.
NORA
What?
ACCEPTANCE
Generosity.
NORA
But it’s nice to be generous. I love generous people.
ACCEPTANCE
Then why don’t you date them?
NORA
I never thought of that. Perhaps they seem too easy.
ACCEPTANCE
Exactly. You were too easy for him. You became boring.
NORA
Boring? Not me. I’m interesting.
ACCEPTANCE
So is Albert Einstein but you wouldn’t want to sleep with him.
NORA
Sure I would! I’d love to. I would totally fuck Albert Einstein. Come here you scientist!!! Who’s the genius, who’s the genius?
Q14. BRIGHTER BLUE
ACCEPTANCE
(Sings)
Shhhh….. Shhhh….
E7 A7
All you need is a little acceptance
E7 E7 (bass, F#, G, G#)
to put you on the right track
A7 A7
Simple understanding that deep in your mind
E7 C#7
you know he ain't never coming back. ( )
F#7 B7
Yeah for you it would be better in your head ( )
E7 C#7 F#7 B7
to host a funeral and imagine that he's dead
A7 B7
Yes I wish that you would practice this dance
C (maj) B7
And just accept rejection and not reject acceptance.
E7 C#7 F#7 B7
NORA (speaks)
What the fuck does that mean?
Silly as it sounds with all your meaningless deception
You just need to make the tiniest adjustment perception
it's kind of like adopting a new philosophy
it's kind of like adopting somebody else's baby
take it from me I'm in a constant state of freedom
my thoughts are my own and I’ll be the only one to lead 'em
you'll save a life time of tears if you could just take this chance
you must accept rejection and not reject acceptance
NORA (sings)
but I feel, he's coming back he didn't mean to say goodbye
ACCEPTANCE
Yeah when hell freezes over and pigs learn how to fly
NORA
But I never would believe he could do such a thing to me
ACCEPTANCE
Well the more you disagree the more your pain is gonna be
NORA
can't I make a deal with him and say I'm sorry, that I'll change
ACCEPTANCE
that will surely end your future like a murder at close range
NORA
How can I consider acceptance…?
BOTH:
When I/you only want to get in his pants…………………………
ACCEPTANCE
All I'm saying, baby is you can drive yourself insaner
Unless you let a little piece of me inside of this no brainer
you might start feeling better just as early as tomorrow
if not you will be visited by boredom, pain and sorrow
Letting go and grieving is like kind of a death
But then you need this sad bereaving like you need to take a breath
(ending) if you could open up a window in your world of ignorance
- if you could focus on your spirit and suppress this romance
- if you could break out of this bullshit pattern hypnotic trance
you could accept
NORA: I could accept
ACC: you could accept
NORA: Except, except
ACC: You should accept rejection
NORA: I can't accept rejection
BOTH: You/I won't accept rejection
Then you’ll/I’ll reject acceptance!
Song/music ends.
NORA
I can’t… I won’t
ACCEPTANCE
Alright, then we’re going to have to do this the hard way.
Acceptance exits.
Scene 5. Nora flops onto the bed.
Q14. REDDISH ORANGE
SFX 6: 5PAGE015
VOICEOVER
I was visited by Constant Pain.
Music begins. Pain enters, climbs into bed with Nora.
VOICEOVER
His touch was like acid, his kiss, suffocating. Night after night, he would visit me. And he’d still be there in the morning when I woke up.
END SFX 6
NORA
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Why does it have to hurt so much?
PAIN
Because you want it to.
NORA
No… I don’t want it to hurt.
PAIN
I guess it’s easier to be in pain than to accept the truth.
NORA
What truth?
PAIN
That he’s gone forever.
NORA
(Riles in pain)
No…
PAIN
Fine. I ain’t going anywhere.
NORA
It hurts.
PAIN
Look, I like you. You have a high tolerance for Mr. Pain. If all you wanted was love, you’d have love. Because love is everywhere, baby. The problem is you wanted to get high.
NORA
No, I wanted love.
PAIN
You knew Charming was a drug from the start. Problem is, you wanted it.
NORA
Why would I want a drug?
PAIN
Validation, admiration… Think about it, peroxide, how low is your self esteem that you fall in love with an asshole like that? Pretty stupid if you think of it. I mean who marries a prince? How could you be so naïve.
NORA
It’s bad enough that you hurt me physically. Do you have to abuse me verbally as well?
PAIN
You abuse yourself. You invited me in.
NORA
I did not.
PAIN
Well, do you want me to leave?
NORA
No.
PAIN
(caresses her)
See? I’ll never abandon you. We’re old friends, you and me, Blondie. We go way, way back. Like this.
Pain takes Nora by the hair and pulls her backwards and onto the floor as music begins. Over the song, his gestures inadvertently smack her around.
Q15. BRIGHTER AMBERS/REDS
PAIN
(Sings)
People call me, Mr. Pain
First name Constant, Constant Pain
I’m a nuisance, and a bother, and a drag
People need me, can’t you see
Like my father, Agony
We could kill you but we don’t like to brag
So another husband gone
Yeah he’s left you all alone
I just love them when they fall in love so hard
Don’t you see, you’ve made my day
Now I’ve got a place to stay
I won’t leave you ‘til you’re very, very scarred
Pain is simply a sign
That something is wrong deep inside
I’m the pain in the ass, I’m the pain you denied
I’m the pain that makes you gently think of suicide
Like a shiny window pain
I’m the glass around your brain
I deflect the mirror into your soul
No, I’ll never start to crack
Like the camel on your back
You need me the way your ass needs a hole
Q16. HOTTER/BRIGHTER
Pain is all in your mind
Your heart and your soul, your behind
Like the bolts in the neck of your friend Frankenstein
I can screw your head and make you drink some turpentine
I’m so glad I get to take
You’re sensational heartbreak
I find it sex-ually stimulating
I find pleasure in your pain
More than sex or good cocaine
And like a bee I’ll make you feel my big sting!
Yes, I can’t wait to give you a piece of my thing, my thing… My pain!
Q16.DIM (RESTORE to 14)
The song has ended with Nora getting whacked into the bed by Pain’s ending gesture. The music continues softly, slowly. As if to soothe her, Pain rocks Nora in bed.
NORA
Wedding cake, wedding cake
PAIN
Stepping on a rattle snake.
NORA
Can’t sleep wide awake
PAIN
Burning, burning at the stake.
NORA
It’s okay, give and take
PAIN
Pretty as an earthquake
NORA
Stomach ache, body shake.
PAIN
I can smell your heart break.
SFX7: 7PAGE018
VOICEOVER
He stayed for weeks. Eventually, he invited some of his friends over, Sorrow and Boredom.
Scene 5A.
PAIN
Hey, wake up!
NORA
(half asleep)
Ow, ow, ow.
Sorrow enters.
Q17. BRIGHTER W/REDS
SORROW
This is a nice place. I guess she fixed it up nice for her husband. Those drapes are pretty. Guess I thought they’d be darker, considering the circumstances. So what happened, did he die?
PAIN
No, he just up and left her.
SORROW
For another woman?
PAIN
I don’t think so.
Boredom enters.
Q18. HEAVIER AMBERS
BOREDOM
Oh, goodie, sleepy time!
Boredom climbs into bed with Nora.
NORA
(wakes up, sees them) Who the fuck are you guys?
BOREDOM
Did she just speak to us?
SORROW
Oh my stars, she can see us?
PAIN
(to Nora)
Most people only feel us.
BOREDOM
Remarkable. Only the truly grieving are delirious enough to actually see us!
NORA
(to Boredom)
Of course I can see you, asshole.
SORROW
And she knows you’re an asshole!
NORA
Who are you guys and what are you doing in my apartment?
SORROW
We’re simply qualities that come to visit you during times of grieving.
NORA
But I’m not grieving. I’m happily married.
SORROW
Sure, sugar, sure. Then what’s Mr. Pain doing in your bed?
NORA
Which one are you?
SORROW
Sorrow. Unending Sorrow, distant cousin of Regret and Mother of all Disappointments.
NORA
Yes, I feel you now.
SORROW
You’re gonna feel me for a while. Maybe even the rest of your life, sugar.
NORA
Why do you keep calling me sugar?
SORROW
Because you’re sweet and we’re so bitter.
BOREDOM
I’m not bitter. I’m dull.
NORA
You are?
BOREDOM
Boredom, Norman Boredom. Most people just call me Mr. Boredom but I prefer to go by Norman. Norman was my father’s name who was born in South Orange, New Jersey near Industrial Park. Industrial Park is one of the first factories to ever have relocated out of Manhattan and into the suburbs, although South Orange isn’t exactly a suburb, it is actually a small city with a population of almost 3,000. It’s zip code is 07050…
NORA
I must be losing my mind.
BOREDOM
No, if you were losing your mind, then you’d likely be visited by Indifference. (whispers, looks around) She’s my Mother. She cleans up after me.
NORA
I should call the police.
SORROW
You can call a whole army of angels. Ain’t nothing gonna keep you from your feelings. Ain’t nothin’ gonna keep you from the the salon.
NORA
The salon?
BOREDOM
A salon is kind of a ritual. Traditionally, a salon could be categorized as an assembly of guests in a room, for a particular purpose, often for readings of poetry or maybe even dances. It occurs to me that in ancient Greek times…
NORA
Could you get to the point?
SORROW
Please, sugar. Mr. Boredom couldn’t get to a point if he sat on a cactus. That’s his job.
NORA
I just want to die.
SORROW
No, no, no… Our job is to keep you alive. To keep you feeling. You see, as long as you keep feeling, we have a purpose! Having a purpose makes me so happy… It just makes me want to… sing!
NORA
Oh, great.
Music begins.
Q18: BRIGHTER REDS AND AMBERS
PAIN/BOREDOM/SORROW (Sing):
The Grieving Salon
Takes your thoughts and feelings
And puts them in a song
That is painful, sad and boring
And that’s why we belong
Here at the grieving salon.
SORROW (Sings)
Like a puppy dog in heat
We can smell your grieving feet
And we know it’s time to come and visit you.
Then we piddle on your floor
Ruin all your nice décor
Eat your food and make you clean up our pooh.
ALL
The Grieving Salon
Takes your thoughts and feelings
And puts them in a song
That is painful, sad and boring
And that’s why we belong
Here at the grieving salon.
BOREDOM (Sings bridge)
Every day I count my toes
Then the hairs inside my nose
These are special things that cannot be ignored.
Sorrow needs me to sustain
Grief and sadness, so does pain
But there’s nothing worse than grieving when you’re bored.
PAIN (Sings):
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
BOREDOM
Yawn, Yawn, Yawn!
SORROW
Boo hoo boo hoo to you.
(Last three lines sung together)
PAIN/BOREDOM/SORROW
P: Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch
B: Yawn yawn yawn
S: boo hoo, boo hoo, to you.
ALL
The Grieving Salon
Takes your thoughts and feelings
And puts them in a song
That is painful, sad and boring
And that’s why we belong
Here at the grieving salon!
(for complete script, kindly email sharon@sharonfogarty.com
